Now that school is over and I will be off to college in a few more weeks, I wonder what is going to happen to the friendships that I had forged since seventh grade (had to change school during the school year). If the past few weeks are any indication, I’m probably going to end up just being a memory in everyone’s lives. Because honestly, that is what I feel like I’ve become – a memory. Nothing more. There are times when I feel as I’m not important enough. I’m that girl who’ll help you with your projects the day before the date of submission, who’ll help you with a question the day before the exam, who’ll clear your doubts before entering the examination hall, who’ll motivate you when you need it the most and I suppose, that’s where it all ends. Time and again, I get neglected and ignored by so many people. And I’m sick of this. I’m sick of being pushed to the sidebars by everyone – friends, family, teachers and just life, in general, I guess. I don’t whimper. I don’t wallow in my sadness. I don’t get depressed when life has been unfair. I don’t believe in the excuse called “luck”. But there are times when I wish that life would just cut me a break.
The past few weeks have been quite full of disappointment, to be honest. I didn’t get into either of my dream colleges and it hurts. A lot. I’ve always dreamt of studying in them for such a long time but when, at last, I realized that I’m not good enough for either of them, it was as if someone had knocked the air out my body. I’ve full belief in myself and I was sure that I’d get in at least one of them. Even though I worked my ass off for the last four years, I guess I didn’t work hard enough. I should’ve worked harder. I tried and tried and tried and tried but at the end of the day, I was defeated. Now I’ll have to attend the college which had always been my safety net. I knew that it was always going to be there ready to catch me if I were to make a mistake somewhere. And it did. The majority of me is disappointed with the end result. But a part of me is trying to make me see the silver lining. At the end of the day, it is still a very good college and I’m going to give the next four years my all. I’m going to work much harder and I AM going to gift my mum and dad the smile which I was unable to give them this year. I AM going to make them proud. It’s tough being a girl in India. Even though I’ve always been an achiever when it comes to academics, there are always going to be certain people who undermine me. Who think I’m not good enough. A blood relation once mentioned a quote in passing about
apparently how important boys are, which when translated to English means – a gold ring is a gold ring.. doesn’t matter if it is still in perfect shape or not (here, “gold” as in a boy). And the irony of this statement was that, it was a woman who had said this to my mum. She thinks that I’m coal. What she doesn’t know is that diamonds actually come from coal.
Twelfth grade has been nothing short of a cacophonous frenzy. There were times in the past year when I felt like my brain was about to explode and honestly, it was difficult. Extremely so. The competition is cut-throat and we were pushed to our very limits. But now that my board results are out, it is “officially” over and boy, am I glad that it is! I have had an onslaught of college entrance examinations since the beginning of April. Even though I am done with all the important ones, I still have a few more left. I have a few good colleges in my hand, so I am in a contented mood now.
The most difficult thing about the last school year was that the studies took up so much time and energy that I hardly had time to do anything else. I had to give up reading books because whenever I start reading something and begin to like it, I get sucked into the world and I lose control. I can’t stop reading the book until and unless I finish it. And at the end of the day, it does have a negative impact on my studies because I find myself reading a story when I should’ve been studying. Due to this reason, I hardly read a few books last year. But now that my examinations are nearly over, I have the time again to read. Just writing that sentence alone made my heart leap up with joy! Even though I controlled my reading last year, what I didn’t control was my habit of buying books. So now, I have a ton of unread books just sitting on my bookshelf and I can’t wait to start with them.
( All of my unread books. There are a few more but they’re with my uber awesome Di for the time being. )
I’ve also decided to create a book blog because I really want to do features like book reviews and book tags. You can find the link here (I still have a LOT of work left). A book blog is a definitive place to do it. I’m also going to start writing on Wattpad again. There are a few book challenges that I’ve always wanted to do and I finally have the time to get my creative brain working. This blog has always been a solace wherein I can share all my thoughts without having the need to hold back and I’m going to start uploading this frequently too. I’m also going to start drawing too because I’ve had a crazy idea to cover my door with cartoons. I’m REALLY looking forward to doing all this.
As I’m reading over this blog, I feel as if it may be a bit vague and I truly am sorry if it has turned out to be so, my dears. I have been out of touch with this for quite a few months and it is going to take a bit of time to get the hang of it again. Stick with me till then, please?
The Modi government completes one year and I have got only one humble request to them : I want to feel safe as I walk down the streets. So please make sure that the female population of our country is not robbed off of this basic human right.
On another note, I got my maths test paper back and I have done well. So super happy about it. I wish that this momentum continues. I had a physics test today and I think I have definitely done above average. I have to work on the bone-breaking projects again and maybe I will do an all nighter today. I will do all the graphs and the stupid diagrams as long as my headphones are on to help me survive through all this torture. Because music helps. Period.
Be You. Because you are one in a gazillion. 🙂