Now that school is over and I will be off to college in a few more weeks, I wonder what is going to happen to the friendships that I had forged since seventh grade (had to change school during the school year). If the past few weeks are any indication, I’m probably going to end up just being a memory in everyone’s lives. Because honestly, that is what I feel like I’ve become – a memory. Nothing more. There are times when I feel as I’m not important enough. I’m that girl who’ll help you with your projects the day before the date of submission, who’ll help you with a question the day before the exam, who’ll clear your doubts before entering the examination hall, who’ll motivate you when you need it the most and I suppose, that’s where it all ends. Time and again, I get neglected and ignored by so many people. And I’m sick of this. I’m sick of being pushed to the sidebars by everyone – friends, family, teachers and just life, in general, I guess. I don’t whimper. I don’t wallow in my sadness. I don’t get depressed when life has been unfair. I don’t believe in the excuse called “luck”. But there are times when I wish that life would just cut me a break.
The past few weeks have been quite full of disappointment, to be honest. I didn’t get into either of my dream colleges and it hurts. A lot. I’ve always dreamt of studying in them for such a long time but when, at last, I realized that I’m not good enough for either of them, it was as if someone had knocked the air out my body. I’ve full belief in myself and I was sure that I’d get in at least one of them. Even though I worked my ass off for the last four years, I guess I didn’t work hard enough. I should’ve worked harder. I tried and tried and tried and tried but at the end of the day, I was defeated. Now I’ll have to attend the college which had always been my safety net. I knew that it was always going to be there ready to catch me if I were to make a mistake somewhere. And it did. The majority of me is disappointed with the end result. But a part of me is trying to make me see the silver lining. At the end of the day, it is still a very good college and I’m going to give the next four years my all. I’m going to work much harder and I AM going to gift my mum and dad the smile which I was unable to give them this year. I AM going to make them proud. It’s tough being a girl in India. Even though I’ve always been an achiever when it comes to academics, there are always going to be certain people who undermine me. Who think I’m not good enough. A blood relation once mentioned a quote in passing about
apparently how important boys are, which when translated to English means – a gold ring is a gold ring.. doesn’t matter if it is still in perfect shape or not (here, “gold” as in a boy). And the irony of this statement was that, it was a woman who had said this to my mum. She thinks that I’m coal. What she doesn’t know is that diamonds actually come from coal.
I’m literally chewing my fingernails right now. IPL’s playoffs began today and the match is between Royal Challengers Bangalore and Gujarat Lions. I really want RCB to win this year because Virat Kohli has been in an AMAZING form. Scoring 50 off 28 balls and 113 off 50 balls that too with a STITCHED hand is quite an impossible achievement.
Kohli after his 100 with his stitched hand
They have been one of the most consistent teams throughout all the nine seasons of IPL but it is a tragedy in itself that they have never managed to win the cup. But I still support KKR (after all, it is my city’s team!) more. As I’m writing this, A.B. de Villiers has started hitting the balls like an adrenaline junkie and I’m pretty sure that RCB is going to win. Easy peasy.
On another note, I finished reading Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn and I have to say this – I’m disappointed. I was expecting so much more because it is a really hyped up book… with the movie and everything. But alas! I’ll be reviewing it later on my blog. I also finished reading Body Double by Tess Gerritsen. It is the fourth book in the Rizzoli and Isles series. I’m an absolute sucker for crime/thriller/mystery books and I’m finding this series really addicting. Meanwhile I’m planning to start with Renee Ahdieh’s The Wrath and the Dawn tonight. It is a YA retelling of the ever popular – The Arabian Nights. I remember my grandpa narrating me these stories when I was a little kid and I used to listen to them so attentively. He must have narrated me Ali Baba and Alladin a gazillion times. I also read the stories when I grew up so I’m really excited to read this book. There is a LOT of hype surrounding this book and I seriously hope that this book, at least, lives up to my expectations.
The Wrath and the Dawn
Meanwhile, RCB has won tonight’s match (Woop woop!) and they are through to Sunday’s final. ABD – I bow to thee! What an innings! Now, I just hope KKR wins the Eliminator and the second Qualifier and they too go through to the final. J
( Watching the post match Extra Innings and Sunil Gavaskar quite aptly described ABD as ABCDE – AB can do EVERYTHING!)
I am sitting with my laptop after nearly a month and as I type away my combined thoughts of so many days, I can feel the knot in my brain slowly opening itself and letting all the gyri and sulci breathe. These past few days have gone by in a whirlpool with the looming threat of exams and then the ongoing stress due to exams. And this is something that I hate about the Indian education system. The boards, combined with the government’s nod of approval, put just far too much stress on kids – right from the beginning. Marks are important. I am not saying that it isn’t. But when we all grow up to be forty-somethings, would it really matter at all whether we got a fifty out of fifty or a thirty out of fifty in a test held by the school in a certain month on a certain subject. The answer is no. But parents and teachers, they don’t really understand that. These marks and the inevitable competition arising out of it have led to so many rude words being exchanged and so many friendships being broken. I have seen this before my eyes and all of this saddens me because life is so much more than a mere combination of digits on a piece of paper. But I consider myself to be lucky in this case, at least. My mum and dad aren’t very strict and they don’t go hard on me if I do bad. They simply inspire me to do better. But a very close friend of mine was just telling me a few days back about her parents being really strict on her lately. It has been stressing her lately and I wish could do something to help her.
Speaking of exams, I had my Biology paper today but it has been raining so much in Kolkata for the past two days that the city has come to a standstill with water clogging up in the streets everywhere. There is water in the metro station itself and there was a river right outside my apartment in the morning. All the schools gave a “rainy day” and my exam got postponed. This really annoyed me because now I will have to prepare all the chapters again and believe me when I say this but there are only limited number of times when a person can read about Eohippus, Mesohippus, Merychippus and Equus without losing sanity. Those are the different names given to the different stages of the evolution of the horse, by the way. I have my English Literature paper on Monday and this is one subject that I truly love. I originally come from a not-so-big town and in my years of living there, my control over the English language was something that I was really insecure about. Then my dad got transferred to Bhubaneswar and studying in Loyola was a roller coaster journey. I was really pushed to my boundaries and speaking in English for so many hours daily made me more and more confident with each passing day. I had always loved reading books but over there, so many of my friends were bibliophiles like me and combining everything, I fell in love with the language. Now, an extremely special mention must be made of a certain bespectacled girl who fuelled my infinite craving for books and most importantly, introduced me to the magical world of Harry Potter. Those endless discussions about the series with her are some of my fondest memories till date. I haven’t been able to read a novel in the past few months and I can feel myself suffocating slowly. I find myself fantasizing about the books that I am going to read after 12th grade gets over from time to time. There are many titles there in the list but “A Thousand Splendid Suns” of Khaled Hossieni walks away with the cake. I had read “The Kite Runner” sometime last year and since then I have been dying to land my hands on this one. TKR was such a good book riddled with the basics of human emotion and I have been told by cousin that ATSS is even better.
And as I wrap this up, news comes to me that Roger Federer is through to the Wimbledon finals after having just beaten Andy Murray and this makes me a happy girl. Fedex has an undeniable charm and elegance on the court and I always root for him. I really hope that he lifts the cup again on the court this Sunday. Also, Sania Mirza has entered the women’s doubles final with Martina Hingis and at the same time Leander Paes has entered the mixed doubles final with Hingis as well. I really wish that these Indians win the finals and make the country proud. With a loads of wishes for all of them, I bid adieu for today.
Have an enjoyable day/night, my dears.
The Modi government completes one year and I have got only one humble request to them : I want to feel safe as I walk down the streets. So please make sure that the female population of our country is not robbed off of this basic human right.
On another note, I got my maths test paper back and I have done well. So super happy about it. I wish that this momentum continues. I had a physics test today and I think I have definitely done above average. I have to work on the bone-breaking projects again and maybe I will do an all nighter today. I will do all the graphs and the stupid diagrams as long as my headphones are on to help me survive through all this torture. Because music helps. Period.
Be You. Because you are one in a gazillion. 🙂